2010 Resolutions, or "Eww, diarrhea"

Things that are wrong with me, and

>> WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT THEM

Am I headed for the same brick wall
Is there anything I can do
About anything at all
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
And dig deeper
Dig deeper this time

This is for me, for Dave, for saving myself from myself, for saving Dave from myself, for saving a relationship that is important to me and that I am still terrified of losing. I am the reacher here. It is humbling and hurtful to think these things. I feel very zapped of energy, but I also feel like this is a good way to let things out. I've always been a better writer than talker. Why the fuck am I in sales. I was going to erase that sentence because it seems like bad luck, but instead I am going to leave it there so I can prove to myself that the answer is "Because you fucking can". This is off-topic, probably also because this was written last.

I take things personally. I let things burrow deep into my heart. I don't let things out. They get lodged in me and take a toll on me even though I try not to be bothered by it. Small things end up growing.

>> JOURNAL MORE.

... and when I do try to let it out, by talking to somebody, it seems to always backfire on me. I can't keep a neutral tone because I'm so emotionally affected by it. I end up getting into arguments with Dave or my mom who I desperately don't want to get into arguments with. I let it something show on my face. I'm an open book.

>> i don't know the solution to this.

Aside from taking things too personally, I also feel emotions really acutely. This happens when I read the news about little boys deliberately trying to kill other boys. I just clammed up in the office with my jaws clenched and couldn't think about anything else for a while. Or when they used to show the videos of foreigners captured by Osama Bin Laden just as they were about to be beheaded. Or 9/11. I am way less cool-headed than I wish I could idealize myself to be. I have very hot blood running my veins or something.

>> i don't know the solution to this.

And I'm not consistent in my views (more on this later). I realize that now, because I don't feel the same level of emotion when I see pictures of Guantanamo prisoners, and am not that sympathetic to them. Probably because I view them as criminals rather than victims. I have a very harsh view on people who I view as "having brought it upon themselves". You fucked up, you pay. But the truth is, I've fucked up before, and so many times, and I've been generally blessed in life with being forgiven, given a cleaner slate to start over with. Why do I have vengeful tendencies? Daddy issues is a compelling argument, but I would have to admit it's probably unfair (and definitely not constructive) to play that blame game too much or too often.

>> I don't know what the solution to this is.

I blank out. I can read sentences physically, but not register them mentally. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing for too long...

>> HAVE A TO DO LIST THAT YOU CAN JUMP TO.

... unless I am in a compulsive state of mind, then I am at it until the job is done, even though the job can be quiet shoddy by the end of it because I don't want to do it, but I also can't make myself take a break, so I work fast to just get it done.

>> TAKE A WALK.

I don't have much to say to people. I don't think I'm a boring person, but I feel like I never have anything substantial to say, and then I opt to not say anything at all, or be extremely non-committal with my comments. I feel this lack of conversation skills very acutely, and I'm terrified of boring people or being inarticulate... but I am inarticulate because I feel out of practice talking to people!

>> TRY TO BE PROACTIVE ABOUT AFTER WORK DRINKS WITH COWORKERS AND FRIENDS. GO OUT ON WEEKENDS. CHAT MORE, DON"T BE SCARED, OR FORGET, TO TURN AROUND AND CHAT WITH JUN/DENNIS. USE IB MORE OFTEN. PRACTICE THE GIFT OF GAB. WATCH MORE TELEVISION

This probably has to do with why it's so frustrating to have a conversation with Dave about politics. He reads way more than I do, and is better informed and is just plain better than me at analyzing things from a macro perspective. I don't have time to read, and I also don't think through my various gut responses to make sure they are consistent (see above). Even when I am able to form a more concrete opinion about something, I was not very articulate about my views. I am always listening, and barely holding my own in debates and conversations. I feel stupid.

>> USE WHAT YOU KNOW, BUT ADMIT WHAT YOU DON"T KNOW. THAT WAY YOU CAN MAKE IT CLEAR WHEN IT IS A DEBATE AND WHEN YOU ARE JUST INTERESTED IN ASKING QUESTIONS.

I resent when Dave's tone of voice corroborates that... I ended up accusing Dave of not being respectful and being an extremely frustrating person to talk to... which I feel is true... but how come only I feel that, and not Mo or Vimarth? And how come I feel that when what I know about Dave is that he is NOT being disrespectful?

>> I don't know the solution to this. I've learned in alot of other instances to "TRUST DAVE", and I feel that that has clamped down on the frequency of arguments. But it hasn't really helped the intensity of arguments, even if they are fewer in number. I do want to explain to Dave that he also has "a tone" that I don't like, but I don't know how to articulate it because it's not a problem he experiences with other people. If I try to adapt all the way, I will fail at it. If I can somehow explain to him, he could meet me halfway. But then I would feel like he was condescending to me, and then that resentment would start over again, just with a different focus point.

>> >> I sound like I am running circles in my head, and I have the advantage of slow typing and a backspace bar. What can I do to translate these thoughts out loud, in a way that makes sense and doesn't sound like verbal and emotional diarrhea?

Dave, I need your help. Sorry I am such a case. This is probably not something you want to deal with when you have stuff going on about work, and especially not when we haven't discussed/resolved the issue of me talking to you in "that manner". But that's kind of what I need your help on, because as you can see, I have trouble finding solutions for myself. This is not to say that all of the above negates what I said about feeling disrespected, because I do, but I also understand that is a different statement than "you are disrespecting me"... and I understand that I am probably the problem there too. And I need your help. And I am sorry for being such a case study. I know you talk about girls with Daddy issues. Well, that is oversimplifying the situation, but in any case, I'm sorry that I had to fall into that broad genre, the way that I am sorry shit like Bon Iver falls into the broad indie-folk genre.