A week and a half of dealing with a spoiled manager has taken its toll. Generally it comes first as an imbalanced sense of malaise. Nothing seems important. There's no strong urge to do anything after work. It comes to a head when I lose my temper. Today it was my younger cat who nearly bit a hole in an expensive cardigan.
My dentist asked if I grind my teeth when I sleep. Not that I'm aware of, but I do it at work! i said as a joke. My dentist smiled, but then said, yes. Most people do that without being aware of it. Your teeth need to be 2mm apart in a resting position. You can also try to chew gum. That's when I realized that I've spent most of early 20s with my jaws clenched.
Most times, I know that it's a blessing to live the life I live. I might be stressed and hyperactive sometimes, but that is a function of the decisions I make, it's a function of the person I am (even though I don't know what person that is).
But sometimes I want to get away so badly that I can't contain myself. I would really like to travel. To discover new things and experience the "drunken variety of life". I want to be transported. With or without somebody, it almost doesn't matter as long as I'm not here. I want to elsewhere forever. Life is too short for the life that I live.
I've thought about this alot. It comes down to balls. I don't have big enough ones to give a 2-week notice and just leave. First there is the heavy opportunity cost of leaving a job market that has flatlined and may dip further downward. 25 years old is a pivotal step if I want to have a serious and dedicated career. It is just young enough that I have no accomplishments under my belt, and just old enough that I can start accomplishing if I put my head and heart to it. When my travels come to an end, I will have nothing to offer in an ever-competitive job market.
Second is companionship. If I choose to travel alone, I'll end up regretting it. I also think the bf won't come with me. Third is reputation and ego. My family will think I'm crazy. I'll be the cautionary tale around the office, in my hometown, amongst my friends who may support me but won't understand me. Really #3 and #2 are connected. The point is that I would really be going at it alone. I hate being alone.
And lastly, I have qualms about my reasons for traveling. I will be the first to admit that this shameless escapism is a kind of cowardice, even as it takes balls to execute. In the end, what I want to be transported away from is the relentless and mundane, the responsibilities, the grayness. In the end, I just want to be Peter Pan in Neverland.
Yet if that's what I want, then I am shutting (or putting a really heavy rock against) the door to much of what used to be important to me. Savings for starting a family. A beautiful house that is my sanctuary. Laughter and joy and running children and family vacations. All the shit that I wanted out of defiance. All the things I looked forward to bc of love.
Really, the middle ground would be to quit, go traveling for a while, come back and find a lower paying and less stressful job. But money is important to me. Living in comfort, living with optionality. Maybe marry rich and just be a housewife. God that sounds really nice actually. But I suspect I wouldn't be happy for long. I want respect from my husband. I don't want to be dependent or a burden. I don't want to be reduced to jealousy and distrust. Honestly when your looks and energy go, you've only got memories and companionship left to offer. Who knows if that is what husbands in a single-salary family want.
Beyond this, I want too much ownership and accomplishment. I'll see my friends and classmates have developed their careers. I'll hate feeling left behind.
It's a fucking shame we have just one life.
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